Thursday, May 22, 2014

The Choice to Dwell

For every one in this small hometown of mine it has been no secret that I have been living in the same two pairs of shoes and monotonous nail polish colors for the past few months. I'm going to be a total hypocrite for a flash second and use the phrase that's at the top of my Blacklist... First World Problems. (You know, the list where you can also find "legit." Barf.) It has been killing me knowing that three hours away, my collection of nail polish, workout clothes, and shoes have been waiting for my return in my overpriced storage unit. Among other (I guess somewhat more important) items like dishes, furniture...
Juan's Army process began in December, so it was around that time our house slowly began losing its "homey feel." Four months of enjoying our new little space, that's all we had. The realization that I would have to temporarily move back to my hometown quickly became a reality. I love the extra help with Austin, I love his school, and of course, all of the attention he gets from his grandparents. But after living on my own for so long- having my own life and home- it's hard to come back to this.
I miss the responsibility of living on my own. I miss making decisions for myself and for my son- without twelve and a half different points of view distorting my judgment.
I miss stand alone Chick-fil-A's on every corner, dammit. 
This current chapter of the Martinez family life is what is best for each one of us, and that is what keeps me grounded. I could lie in bed each morning, dwelling on the fact that I have no one to share with the equal disappointment and hilarity that is our son biting his friends at school. Because the only person who can truly parallel my feelings for Austin is hundreds of miles away. I could dwell on the frustration that comes each time I sit down to write a letter, knowing that by the time any news reaches Juan, it will be old news.

 Or, I can keep reminding myself that this new part of Juan's life is so important, and will pave the way for so many new opportunities. I can hug our baby a little tighter- thanking God for his life, and for always having a part of Juan with me. And that's what I try to do.
I could dwell on the absence of that giant, wet nose that once reminded me that I was on mom duty at the crack of dawn. I do dwell on the thought of Duke, without his daddy and unable to understand why he is living in a new home or when daddy is coming back for him.

Again, I have to constantly remind myself that not only does Duke now have a house versus a condo, but that he is also living with one of Juan's closest friends, and another dog! This arrangement is the best one for him, and I'm sure that when Juan returns at the end of the year, Dukie won't be quite ready to leave ;)
It's all a choice. Every day, I try to make the choice to stay positive. Some days are better than others. (I can't blame it all on the fever when I broke down on Mother's Day.) But today, I'm choosing to share this with you, and I'm choosing to keep in mind the big picture. This new chapter in our lives is definitely testing us, but I know that it will prove to be worth it.


  1. You're making wonderful choices, I'm sure!! I too am moving back to my hometown so I totally understand you in that department. I'm so excited for Juan, it sounds like a great adventure!

  2. We love having this time to watch Austin grow each day! You made the best decision for you and Austin!!
    Love, Grandmommy